I?m a control-freak. You have to understand that I want to control everything, anything. I want to be in control over my life, as well as over my death. I want to have options in life. I can either kill myself or live on. Different directions to choose. I only have but two here. I want to touch what feel familiar, and embrace it with a comfortingly warm reflection in my eyes.
I can?t stand my life being messed up so completely, like it is now. I think that mess is also keeping me from writing. I think I need to express my frustrations so that I can move to the next level in my writing and feel free so that my emotions are no longer caged in my body. I have to finally seek peace and relief.
It?s not entirely my fault, you know. I didn?t mess up so much, a few people took over the course of my life for a while and they were the ones who messed everything up. They just set my life to their hand. The damage is too grand, the psychological and physical damage they did to me is quasi unrepairable, still I?m doing a big effort trying to undo whatever can be undone. They?ve wired my life around myself and now I?m so stuck that I can barely breathe.
I, not in any way, like [CENSORED] anymore. His personality is like a plate dripping of with dry water. His emotions, his tears mean less than nothing to me. I find him so unattractive in every way. I can even say that I find him ugly. I cannot believe I used to be able to kiss, or even have sex with him. Just thinking of it makes me feel sick and dirty. Most of all I cannot believe how co-dependant I let myself be on such a flat personality. I must have been very weak, and I was, and he must have taken advantage of that. I will always blame him for this.