I don?t know what to do with myself. I am crying all the time. I am feeling numb (thank you for word I meant0, Symphony). But not really. But I really don?t know. I don?t know how I feel either. My moods hit the bipolar swings again lately, I go up and down every five minutes, I am dizzy but I don?t mind, I like that, but at the same it bothers me. I don?t feel anything. I do feel a lot. I feel a lot of sadness for feeling nothing significant. I searched on Google for the suicide met0hoids file. I don?t know why. I read the file so much that I already know it by heart, but as I said before, I always flee to something familiar as it?s such a sweet comfort.
I?ve got a lot of pain in my legs today. My spine hurts too because that 1 rod next to it is broken. I?ve been doing crazy stuff and it broke last year. I need surgery to fix it to take the pain away, but it?s too expensive and rather risky and I don?t need them to affect another r nerve like they did a few years ago, when my voice cords were paralysed, I could only whisper for months, and worst of all, the fifth they sedated the hell out of me and I was so hungry that I dreamt of a burger! I?m a vegetarian!
Ah, it looks like I so need a psychologist. I don?t dare to call because I?m a so damn freak. I have of those moments that I can?t shut up, not even when they say stop, and I have a lot of moment I don?t want to spill a word to the whole idiotic humanity. Aargh, I?m so fed up with myself.
I don?t write anymore, I have no motivation, but I need to finish my memoir novel, I have to write it, at least for myself.