This morning I told my physiologist that she shouldn?t comes today, because I?d be very busy. I planned to blog today. I turned out not to be doing that because aunt came over, and of course my grandma passed by to bring me some fruit because I?m on the verge of starving. See, that?s actually the good thing about starving yourself to death. You can do that whenever you like and if you suddenly, for some sick reason, want to live your life again, you can just start eating again. It?s a pity that here one can be force-fed. I find that so very wrong because we shouldn?t eat just to please others. I mean, how egocentric can one be? I justify suicide in every way, others among you may find me pretty sick for doing that, but really, I think I do make a point, a good one. Your body is yours only, so frankly, you may do with it as you please.
I told my aunt that I think I had a whiplash in a car-accident thirteen years ago and that I figured that?s the reason I have migraine. She?s into Shiatsu, massage an crano-sacral osteopath stuff and she?s going to work on my whiplash soon, because I?ve got migraine ever since and it?s getting more and more intense every year. Let me tell you that suicide caused by a terrible migraine is actually murder in the first degree. Migraine is always attempting to kill me perhaps if it knocks me out in a complete surprise, it might succeed sometime. My life is threatened by a powerful power, does it surprise you I get paranoia all the time?
Ugh, the plumber didn?t come and I feel petty bad about it because I probably didn?t hear the doorbell because it didn?t work. This is dumb, so dumb, and I hope it isn?t true because he wanted to so help me. Stupid, stupid, fucking door? bell! I made my hair in two braids, for him not to come. Inge had a date with her sexy osteopath tonight, well not really a date, more like a session, but I?m wondering if it was better than my date with the plumber, well appointment really.
If I turn myself into a statistical number, I can undoubtedly state that I am significantly abnormal. And according to normal people I am abnormal. First of all because of my co-dependency on my very own personae and journal. Just imagine. I even fear abandonment by my own alter ego. Sometimes she?s stalking me or, perhaps I?m really stalking her because I don?t want to be alone. Yes, it?s probably that. But the truth is that I?m surprisingly normal, while the supposed to be normal people are just plain ordinary. I?m sorry to come to this conclusion, but if I were normal like that, therefore defined to be plain ordinary, I would just be bored to death. I?m an alien, are we the only humans who act, think and feel like humans are supposed to?
I?m a girl who takes emotions as a present and I just act like the way I do because I?ve got nothing to lose really. Perhaps this is what made my opinions of humanity so sick and filthy. I learned that living your life is just nothing meaningful at all, without making your dreams, imagination, creation, alter ego come alive and living and experiencing your life through them. Now I?m going to tell you something pretty sick, but it really makes me feel so alive. I live through my journal, I created a dream world in which I live day in, day out ? I only wake up, say, if my physiotherapist comes but if my mum comes, I am not bothered and dream on, she senses that. I talk to you, my fellow bloggers, and if you dare to say something in my dream that makes me feel bad, I actually will instantly feel bad, but you also lift my spirits and make me feel ecstatically well. You are the first and the last thing on my mind. I really appreciate you being part of my world. At night I dream of you, of talking, of feeling, of hugging, of crying. I love you?
But what do I know really?