Is there any reason to go on? Well? Is there? I?m so freaking sick of it, and I don?t want to be. It?s not about him. It?s not about me really. It?s about this way I?m acting in lately. It is so not me alike, it?s that silly behaviour that makes it unable for me to think properly, to write properly, like a bit more sensible. It?s taking over the thin red line of my life, it slaps me in the face and does just what I don?t like. It?s not the progression really, it?s more and more, bit by bit this fucking medication that I need to take. I took a pill this morning, I should be taking my third pill now, but I haven?t even taken my second one yet. And I need it. I don?t want to be sedated, speak slow, to say these silly things people say when all freaked. Do you blame me? Would you want your life to be slumbered by.
Not that I am going to kill myself yet. It however is more and more dragging mes deeper. But since a decade already I?m warning everyone close to me that someday I am going to kill my body someday ? not my soul, my person, my mind, as I believe in a reincarnation of all mixes of souls to create new personae ? so be warned hereby. No goods reason enough fits me right to convince me I won?t. I wanted to kill myself at the age of 19 because I so badly wanted t be a mother by then. Now I want to be pregnant before 25, but heaps of people, that is including my mum, tell me I?m crazy if I think I can just do that. I probably can?t, practically seen, but what does a baby need, lots of love and I can I?ve that, and on the practical side, I can pay for that, no? But those people should be pretty happy because I?ve pretty much given up on that idea, nobody supports me anyway. They don?t know I had a miscarriage in the beginning of this year either. I?m depressed, fatigued and all the other things that are described as pejorative, but I manage, and others do too, so?
Coming back to my view on suicide, I can?t see it as a gutless act, as a matter of fact I?ve got more respect for suicide than for euthanasia. Doesn?t the civil law say we?ve got the right to live? What about the right to die? Nobody asked us if we would always be willing to live, but they sure are asking us to stay alive, whether you want to or nor and I just think that is wrong. Who?s; living with yourself anyway? You and nobody else, therefore, for whatever reason I see fit, I will kill myself, and I?m going to do just that someday. People care, for sure, but I happen to care about myself a lot too and I won?t go hurting myself because I?m in deep emotional or physical pain. Time will get over me anyway. One thing I want to be able to do first is to write and publish my memoir novel, because I?ve got heaps of things to share.
I?ve got a personality full of contradictions. At least I?m not superficial. It?s ironic how I work, but I love it! Many people have a problem with my personality, at first they find me endlessly fascinating, but after a while they usually get sick of me. Because I?m like an onion really, you may fully, or even just partially, comprehend one of my layers, but then you always bump into a next layer, and a next and a next? I have an endless amount of layers that you just get sick and tired of discovering a new one time and again. And it?s a shame really, because I happen to find myself suck an intriguing and smart girl. Sometimes. I hate myself the other times, I can find myself such a boring and annoying kind of psycho. I find it really cool that I have the ability to have almost no shame at all.
Don?t think that this means I?m full of myself, quite the opposite actually, but I?m always doing an effort to like myself a bit. I love being me and I love my personality, but this is so unaccepted by this cruel world. Let me dream, let me be the kind of girl I?d die for! Oh, how I love myself!
I love being depressed, I mean, depressed people are the best of thinkers. Being depressed and suicidal is kind of my outlet, it has always been that way for as long as I can remember. If I get scared, my personality is always around. The very first thing I learned in life is that you can only count on yourself, so that?s also pretty much the only thing I?m doing all the time. When something upsetting or even something frightening exciting happens, I start to flee, and I take a breathtaking yet refreshing journey, I explore every side and corner of my deep inside depressiveness and suicidal outbursts. And you know what? I enjoy it! It feels so good to feel so bad, it feels so comforting to cry my days by, it?s amazing to go back to my familiar depression. Nothing else makes me feel this safe and loved.