I owe you an explanation of why I feel so bad (from) today (on).
Yesterday I went to bed Because of what I wrote here yesterday, but because of all sorts of other reasons too.
Bart hasn?t let hear from him this week and I so want to have my laptop and everything else installed.
I just hate the way I look. I don?t hate myself. I love my personality. I don?t have a problem with sitting in a wheelchair forever, I love my wheelchair and I wouldn?t want to miss it, not even for being able to walk really. And I love my face, my arms are cute too. But the rest of my body is blah bah blah I hate it. I?ve got great hair though, especially because since it?s oiled it?s soft and so glamorous and red. Tomorrow I?m meeting a photographer, we?re going to talk. I only want pictures of my face.
I don?t want to live for real. I want to be my nickname. An and the doctor say I should call my psychologist. I said I?m too weird to be solved. I am thinking whether I should give her a call or not for three, I see no good enough reason t do just that, I can?t figure out why I should really. I?m happy with my personality and it?s me who?s got to live with it, it?s nobody else?s business anyway. They won?t solve me, I know, but it could help, but you know, I?m sick of 0explaining things, I?m wicked for sometimes I?m unstoppable talkative and other times I?m apathetically angry yet quiet. If I go I?d love to say here?s my journal, read it and diagnose me. I?m awfully sick and tired of explaining! Know the feeling?
I don?t know why I haven?t killed myself yet. Since living with chronic fatigue is hell.
Nobody seems to really understand me. I don?t like going out, I like locking myself in, I?m paranoia, I?m afraid of people. They hurt me, they don?t care. I don?t mean to upset any of you because I really enjoy your comments. Did you ever had this feeling that I care is so easy t0o say but so hard to show, I care is sometimes so not enough. I feel alone, not lonely, I am a loner anyway and perhaps I?m lonely but I don?t feel it now. And yet I want to be alone, all alone, without family, real life. Just me and my journal
Ii do hate people thinking or saying that I?m lazy for not doing anything for I?m sitting in front of my computer all day with a diet coke, which is not really the real picture. But I don?t feel like explaining right now what the real picture is like.
What a silly kid am I? I don?t belong here. I?m a virtual alien for real.