I?ve eaten some biscuits yesterday. This means I?m getting back my healthy appetite, without eating too much.
Or perhaps not. Perhaps emotional distress is the real cause. Perhaps I? binge eating once again.
Because, I?ve been feeling so weird today. So weird than I have done nothing, written nothing, but trying to figure out why I feel so weird, empty, unwell, disgusted even? I finally figured out why.
It?s not [CENSORED], I?m sure I?m absolutely over him. But today is the ninth, the day that [CENSORED] came back from his holiday last year. I now wish he never came back. And tomorrow is the tenth, a memorable date for me, because that?s he day al problems with my journal started. [CENSORED] and his fucking parents. They started threatening me: I had to chose between my love for their son and my love for keeping my journal online. What kind of choice is that? I couldn?t live without either one, but they managed to get me that far I put my journal offline for several months because of that. And I also lost my love in the end. It?s such a tragic story.
I look at this objective now and I know I?ll manage to forgive them eventually somehow, but never ever will I forget it. The hold no single bit of power over me anymore. They are gutless, coward and freaking narrow minded, idiotic, stupid, dumb, careless and senseless creatures.
The printed my journal and made everybody read it: the doctor (GP), [CENSORED]s teacher, their lawyer, their friends? everyone. They made me look like a psychotic fool - a psychotic and a fool are two different thing, so if I am h psychotic, they re undoubtedly the fools ? and sent me to the GP because I wasn?t giving up on [CENSORED], he told me that I had stupid dreams about having babies of [CENSORED], marrying to him, travelling together, living together? I said, I don?t need or even want your approval for the things I dream of, think of or even not for the things I do. Mind your own pathetic business. This is my expression therapy, not yours. I even got a newspaper interview for that. And I never went to this GP again! Then I received registered writings of their lawyer, they actually wanted to sue me, because I had an online journal and they felt hugely embarrassed by my description of our sex life (it is goddamn my sex life) and other open minded things (they hacked, they spied) and, they wanted to convict of persuasion to depressiveness, and my god even to suicide (crap crap crap).
And they did a lot more, like getting me ill, progressing my heart disease, making me faint because I was loaded under stress and actually going psychotic: I cut myself, tried to kill myself three times
But you can read more about last year in my other journal.
But anyway, I just wanted to explain why I feel weird like this? and still bitter, and cold, and empty and all the rest?
Geez, I?m sorry if it bothers people I?m depressed!