But it does make my depression and suicidal thoughts go away for a moment or two… I mean, you just can’t ask of me to face life and handle all of it’s fucking problems. I’d rather… not, actually. I realize I must be one of the most difficult persons on the whole planet (considering my intriguing personality), though I never ask for anything. I actually am quite blessed to be depressed. That, and my other way to get high on life both kind of give me a reason to live for, a tremendous inspiration to write… and at the same time it is killing my spirit untill I am ready to kill myself. That’s no fine way to spend your life, right, I don’t care, because for me only the moment counts. My life is about waiting for the next dose, which I crave for like it will be my last. What else is a junkie to do?
It makes me sort of manic too sometimes, and because my superficial generation only likes cheerful people, they should be happy. I hate it when someone comes over to me, and tell me they love my cheerfulness. You see how cheerful I am? I want to kill mysellf, and not some of the time, but all the time. Very cheerful, isn’t it? Cheerfulness may be just a mask, but I just can’t help putting it on, the mechanism seems to appear naturally. My words never lie, though.
This is impossible to live with, I am so betraying my own true self. I can’t help desiring more and more again. When I get a dose, I need it to take me higher than last time, because last time never was high enough. It should feel like a hallucination, like escaping it all on a pink cloud. I’d feel on top of the world for a moment or two. I’d still feel okay for about or actually, at most 24 hours. Depressively I cry, which also gives some kind of natural rush, especially because I cry visibly hard and almost every day. I cry untill the next dose comes and makes me feel on top again. And waiting plain sucks. But I’d rather wait than face the unbearable. Or would you prefer me face suicide, and write boring shit?
And it’s not like it gives me no pleasure, because it does. Like crying and cutting, it makes me concentrate on one thing only, so it makes me forget about everything else that was occupying my mind. The pleasure, for me, is about viewing- wich is kind of a visual pleasure. It’s about seeing the desire in their eyes, how much they want and need me, the kick of getting them so turned on they can’t stop. It’s about grip, the most evident reason I am a controlfreak.
For me it’s not at all about receiving pleasure, it’s actually got nothing to do with sex. It’s kind of got to do with entertaining your brain. I’ve heard it’s about shame, but I can’t quite figure out of what exactly I am ashamed. My counselor again suggests I go on antidepressants against compulsions, but I don’t think that’s going to solve much. I’ll still be me, and I don’t really want to give any of this up. I’d rather hold on to it, because if I am unhappy, at least I got these ways out.
Waiting drives me crazy, however, and feeling okay, it just sucks.
I strongly support your not taking anti-depressants. Allthough they claim not to do this, most anti-depressant just turn you into a kind of semi-awake zombie (using a hyperbole to make a point here).
I agree that the nicest part of sex is the mental sensation. Especially if one is exploring his own /the others limits. The slight sense of ’sin’ (to the extent this still applies to secular experimenting people) or ’shame’ or whatever you wanna call it, is half the fun.
In a sense doing something naughty is fun, before you do it, when you’re thinking of/ fantasising / planning it. While you do it (if its not fun you’re doing it wrong :-P), and afterward thinking of what you did.
I am bit puzzled by the last sentence of your post. What are you waiting for?
Love,
J.
Oh and on the side. Don’t worry about being difficult. Almost all the interesting people I know are difficult. Allthough I have to admit that the reverse is not true and that not all difficult people are interesting. In your case this - of course - is not an issue, as you can judge by yourself from my mild (but getting worse :-P) addiction to your site; meaning you are just a difficult/interesting person.
And by the way. We are all still waiting for your masterpiece (aren’t we!?) so you’re still not ALLOWED to die.
xXx,
J.
i am constantly waiting for my next high, sperm has been proven to be antidepressing
i know i have this fascinating personality and amazing mind (self-flattering i call myself difficult), i have a thing for nuttiness, and i admire myself completely, but it”s driving me insane too, i freaking can’t figure what i want but i sure know what i dont want, though i kinda specialize in broadening my limits,… go figure lolz (i still cant)
aargh, i know, i know, im waiting for it too, just today i decided where to published, now, still writing …
would you consider writing something for my blog crushes
Well, if it makes you feel a little bit better, i don’t think a lot of people have any idea what they really want. Even if they do and reach their goals, it’s not like they’ve won. Life just keeps moving on. You find new stuff and repeat the whole process over again.
Sounds boring, i know, but it’s worth staying around for. New things keep it all interesting. Especially for nutty people.
you know about nutiness too, dont you? would you recommend antdepressants to a nut? did it influence your writing or anything
last time i took ‘em i found life boring like hell, f eeling okay while knowing youd be wanting to cry instead, if i live i wanna feel so, or i might aswell be dead, i think you get the point
Used to have a girlfriend that was manic, great fuck too, with a mind like a razor. Couldn’t handle her habit of cutting herself when she was depressed, though. Still,the best physical and mental satisfaction I’ve ever had was from ravishing her while she was so willingly complying with our parallel fantasies. Never did a chick in a wheelchair though. I do a lot of powertraining & I would find it very hard to cope with being in one myself
Blog crush? Of course.
I’ll try to think about something appropriate that hasn’t been said before.
Love,
J.
thx j, would be very nice , no hurry though
this chk in a wheelchair isnt thaétt different , bottlewashe r, what’s your age?
Just got back from a sailing trip, and I’m only slowly adjusting to the horror of having to go to work every morning. I do get turned on by your writing & few things do that to me. anpath1969a@hotmail.com,(remove the a before the @ to contact me)
bottle, hope your trip was satisfyingannd you smoothly adjust to boring old life
it feells very flattering to an escribitionist like me, my words get you aroused
i write grreat sex scenes too, i should really think about writing a sex novel
xox
Could you mail me a sample ? I’ll promise to read it single handed …. If your lost for inspiration I can always help you with the scenario.
Pleez …
are you a writer too then?
lets hope sometime i get it published
actully, the novel im writing is an autobigraphical one