So, I need to seek a place where I will be happy. Maybe I’ll be happy after I kill myself. Why won’t anyone discuss my (un)happiness with me, or does nobody care about my (un)happiness. Nothing will make it more obvious I am depressed, but everybody is stupid, everybody is in denial, and denial and ignorance are not going to make me happy though. Am I so worthless and messed up physically that nobody really cares about my psychological side? It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault, but is saying I’m sorry you feel unhappy such a big deal to express?
I don’t understand how people can mean it when they say that I have to make work of seeking a useful way to express myself. Funny, because what does it look like I am doing? And why should I appreciate some can bear I cry in their presence. I mean, I have never heard a stupid remark like that before.If I still live at forty - I seriously doubt that - I will definitely still cry. You know how I feel? I feel I became the person my mum never wanted me to become. I don’t feel welcome at home anymore. I don’t feel I fit in. I feel past - that I had my life and now it’s over. It feels like a relative too many, and it feels like that relative is me.
It feels like nobody ever has been truly proud of me. Maybe I have never done anything to deserve some pride. Maybe nothing looks like what it is, talking about appreciation, whatever I have ever done in my life was out of love for someone. But I don’t get much appreciation either. How could I have ever know how bad a person this would make me?
I fall into your blog for coincidence. I think you are beautiful. Trust me, you are not alone when you suffer, there are many hells. Lack of purpose in live is the worst hell on earth.
thank you so much, to me it sound you might be feeling this way too at the moment sometimes it is such a pity nobody is unique, or perhaps suicides are? there uis so much talk about depression, yet an incredible amount of denial… thez best of wishes (and luck) my friend
Ten or twelve years ago, I took an add in a couple of local (Montréal) newspapers. “If you ever tried to commit suicide, you may be able to help me.” Gave my address (I was living in another town at the time, so not too worried of receiving a strange visitor at my door) and waited a few days. This was before the web, people still had the patience to wait for snail mail. I got ten replies within a few days. I could have just accumulated the enveloppes, never opening them, and I still would have felt much much better. I read the letters, of course, and traded a few more words with my new acquaintences. Here were eleven survivors, since I count myself in the lot although I never had to act on it. I’m very thankful today to those people even though I lost contact with all of them within a short period. It was a little like a blogging experiment, others would call it research-action. I just call it humanity, and I’ll take whatever’s left of it in anyone. I hope some of this makes sense to you. CIAO!
i think i understand i would want help, either unconditional, either through a suicide past i used to have a collective suicidal friend, and we used to have a suicide pact… things change and I hate change now im really all on my own xoxox
Did you mean “either through a suicide pact” or really “past” ? I haven’t read much of your stuff, just discovered the place a few minutes ago. I read the Pages, a few posts and now I have a clearer picture. May I be blunt and ask what you wish to accomplish with a suicide ? It’s a big change, for one thing. I liked the “temporary suicide” analogy, but I think it’s completely false. When I’ll be completely fed up with my life as it stands, and it could happen sooner then later, I’ll probably end up in the jungle in Chili, living off mangos and coconuts. That’s my alternative, I know it’s not for everyone. Not quite temporary, but what makes suicide so distinctive is its non-temporyness. Why do you hate change ? Maybe because things generally change for the worst ? That’s how it feels reading you, up to now, but I’d like a better answer. “So, I need to seek a place where I will be happy.” You expressed the need about two weeks ago. What has changed since ? Funny how people succomb to peer pressure and vacuum. Funny in a clumsy way. Like Yoda would say, “Seek balance, you must”
Do you think I can help you ? I have no conditions. P.S.: I meant “I took an ad” in my original message.
i’m an obscure person at times, i really meant with a suicide pact, but a suicidal past could also intrigue me i hate everything at the moment, and is including hange i guess i am too depressedto reach you with any sensible answer, but don’t get me the wrong way, because bei ng depressed is what i want and as for suicide, i want to achieve nothing, i have a death wish and i kow being dead is forever and i know what forever means, so i am not really in favor of a temporary suicide anyway people say that i must see,k such a place, but time and again i explain that i already found it, that i am happily depressed suicidal i don’t think i would ever need help by means of prevention, i only would want help in that act oof love xox
I do not know if this can help, but when I feel the world is falling down on me, I try to forget everything. Just spend a day, or a few days doing something–anything–you have never done before, and do not think about anything else. It could be as easy as waking up very early and taking a walk when nobody is there. I know it works for me, maybe it can for you.
no offense but i’m sorr, a depression has got nothing to do with going out or fresh air or anything with depression, you can’t think oof anything ze;lse, and doing something apply because suAfterthoughts on blogit Growing up to +18 Lots of children want to grow up really fast, but I wasn’t one of them. I read Sophie’s World - by Jostein Gaarder, who’s books I dearly read – and it opened my eyes to the only meaning a life could have. September 1st Tomorrow school starts again, for many people the organized year starts again as well, for me, on the other hand, it’s just another day too many. Just the same as all the other days in my life were too many. I want to die I am in pain. I cant move an inch. I want to cry, but I can’t. I don’t feel any feeling. There is no energy for emotions. It is to hard to keep my eyes open. It is too fatiguing to keep my spine straight. I have been a failure all my life. ression disables ffunctioning as whole xox
depression is a hard place to be in, no doubt about that. and yes, life is difficult and most people live in denial. what’s the point of it all? who knows. the hardest part about depression is that your mind shuts down, you can no longer move, you lose the sense of taste and color … self-help is nearly impossible in these conditions. but i do hope you will emerge and put this behind you. despite life’s difficulty and its seeming lack of purpose, the world is a big place and there are wonderful places and there are wonderful people and you will find people who will care about you and you will give hope and happiness to others. and your senses do come back and you will learn to re-appreciate things, and your eyes will open to the little things. and it’s a privilege to emerge and to move on. and no, the bastards who were not there for me did not knock me out. and their judgement does not count … they don’t pay my bills. and i feel stronger, because that’s what it took to find myself after being “polluted” by false hopes and trying to live up to expectations that were not my own. and despite the difficulty involved and the immensity of taking the first step, the way out is by doing something for someone. you will be paid back. and in fact, you have take a first step of reaching out, in this space. do get better.
Blogs can only bring so much love, you know. High speed internet doesn’t mean more love bandwidth, if only. I’m not up for a suicide pact, as I explained earlier, I got through it with a sort of unsuicide pact. I’m not proposing that either. You know what you want, you’re the best person to take a decision, and I absolutely trust your judgement. If I thought you were just a crackpot, I wouldn’t still be here
I read you speak french too, perhaps you want to head to my blog and read a couple of comments that appeared there as well. Besides a few words traded accross the ocean, what else can we do ? How can I ease your pain, and not smother you with insignificant tips on life that will get you nowhere ? I have all the time in the world. My middle name is “busy”, it’s a self inflicted state. Self inflicted, because it gives me the illusion of control, where I choose how to spend my time, and noone else. When I see you call yourself a failure, I hear the loud voice of denial. My next stop will probably be to point out all the good things you’ve achieved, and I know I will find lots. When others say you’re a failure, I have to wonder, what makes them such a success ?