Endorphins make one happy. They don’t say sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll for nothing. There is one thing i don’t do though, I don’t smoke and I can’t stand smokers really. It triggers my migraine. But I do everything else, I admit.

Addictions - in fact it’s broader than just substance abuse - do start somewhere. Addiction mean both, a physical and a psychological need. There is the need, the desire to do something or to take something in. Most of them originate from serious anxiety, so you can never feel good about yourself.

I think I have a fear of living. I solve that by feeling suicidal, taking drugs, not especially hard drugs, having sex and experimenting with it, crying, depression and veritably loving the feeling, dieting, fitness, self maiming and writing. It just makes me feel good, it makes me feel real and it’s like I am in control of things.

There are several ways to express these different kinds of anxieties into an addiction - of which I use some. There is emotional abuse, physical abuse, alcohol abuse, sexual desire and sometimes abuse, pill and drug abuse and there is also - what I call - passion abuse and self maiming. Self maiming releases Endorphins, so that’s quite obviously an abuse strategy. The passion abuse involves whatever you do for the wrong reason, such as dieting, (extreme) sporting, feeling suicidal for the reality kick, feeling depressed because you enjoy pain and such.

Once any kind of addict, one firmly believes you will lose your creativity altogether if we kick off. Essentially, that is what makes you an addict, it’s what keeps you an addict or causes you to relapse. It messes with your head, no wonder it drives you crazy.